A New Beginning

At the beginning of a new subscription to yet another online dating site, I find myself amusedly sifting through the new terrain, keeping hope alive, charting a new course through somewhat familiar territory. I try to ignore and/or laugh at the vulgarities, pretending for a moment not to be the highly moral lady I am. The question presents itself, “Do I compromise my standards to find love?” One group of friends and “well-wishers” seems to imply that I should do so. The other side says, “Hold out for the best, and never compromise!” In the end it is me, taking all the pieces, putting them together and trying to figure out the best course of action in order to render myself as happy as possible, while keeping myself from falling helplessly into what my well-ingrained Christian belief system calls “sin.”

At this time I find I am apprehensive to share with you all the details of this type of existence I know so well. Our relationship, as all other relationships, will take time to develop. But, granted this ends up being the case, there is much I would like to share with you. In reality I have been searching much of my life for that thing which everyone else seems to want as well. I have journal entries from many years back, men who although I felt much passion for at the time, now are not even names to me. It is always amazing to me how much in love one can feel one moment, the whole universe revolving around a particular person, and then how one falls so quickly out of love with that exact same being.

These strange emotional realities have plagued my life throughout my teens, 20s, 30s. And now in my 40s, I try to get a hold on it all. Can I have love without the crazy, mind illusioning passions? Is there even such a thing as real love? Is it even worth it to seek such a thing? Should I continue to keep all men as friends for now? Is such a notion even realistic? These are the kinds of thoughts I would like to share with you.

How amazing to not be on this journey alone, even if it is the case that only a very few friends, known or unknown, may share it with me.


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