Out-growing Steve

I haven’t written in a while, but it’s not because nothing has been going on. I spent a couple of days in my “Steve” trance. And now I’m wondering whether to try and add his wife as a Facebook friend. Chances are he has lied to her about me. I’m sure that she is jealous of me. I think it is fair to say Steve has issues. He would be quick to say I have issues. This I would not deny. Steve is an emotional mastermind at connecting to my issues.

He called me the other night. We always seem to find our way back to each other. There is such a strong emotional connection. I have been in contact with him off and on for the past 5 years. I have been a slave to his fantasy,  that he could somehow leave his family and be with me. I have not been inclined to discredit this notion because the thing I want the most right now is a guy who is totally “into” me.  I consistently try to talk myself back to reality. I am lately trying to become more “mature,” as I perceive a 44 year old Christian single lady ought to be, especially if she wants to be worthy of the duties associated with being a good man’s wife. Steve invites me into a delicious world of immaturity. Let me give you some more background:

We had met each other at a very young age. He and I were each sent away to a boarding school of sorts, due to causing trouble in our homes, and at school. I was only 10, and he was 11. At this young age he had a ridiculously strong crush on me. I never took him seriously. It wasn’t that I was too young to be interested in guys. Perhaps it was that he came on too strong. I have often marveled that the lack of connection which was so obvious to me at the young age of 10, now evaded me as a sometimes desperate-seeming single adult, so much in longing for this same sort of attention, which I obviously did not feel a need for when I was much younger, and somehow when it comes to men, a little smarter.

Steve contacted me when I was 39, 5 years ago. He found me on MySpace. As he tells it, a friend had gotten him on MySpace and without a moment’s hesitation he put my name in the search bar, and there I was. He then wrote me a note, saying that I probably didn’t remember him, etc. etc. When I received the note, I was surprised that he remembered me. The reality is he had never forgotten me and had been thinking of me ever since. Immediately after leaving the boarding school where we resided, he tried to contact me all during the teen years, and was never able to for some reason. In his early 20s he ended up marrying the woman who is still his wife. According to him they have struggled. But I wonder what is and isn’t true. When he calls me, often in the middle of nowhere, and during a time when I feel alone, and so pleased to hear that there is a person on the earth who always thinks of me as a means of refuge in his life, I am happy to hear from him. I cling on his words, and his fantasy which seems to imply we will one day be together. Things are not going well with his wife, he says even though on her Facebook page are lovely pictures of them together, with their wonderful friends, children, etc.  He is in the marriage just for the kids. Her page is not hard to access, and I see a very different story from the one he implies. And so I have come to believe that I am like a fantasy for him, maybe an escape from the responsibilities of adulthood.

The last time he called me I was stung by him for a few days, just as I had been 5 years ago. But now we are not speaking. I tried to communicate to him through a Facebook message that it was hard for someone to pay attention to you, then ignore you in the days to follow. He didn’t take this well, and ended up unfriending me. In short he is acting like a child. But as I told you, I am struggling to become more mature. I cannot control him, of course. But as I go through this difficult relationship world I realize a few things; Steve is not now and never has been right for me. He cannot ever give me what I need. And staying in contact with him is not how I would define maturity. Besides, it is obvious a lot of guys like me. Some friends have even admitted to having a crush on me, so I really don’t have to settle. Steve is in no way something I need as a “last resort.” When I think of these things, my self esteem is a little better.  I guess this kind of guy would only be able to play on a lady’s low self esteem in the first place. So, for right now I’m good. After all, I have found another guy on my dating site (no longer new to me), who seems like he might be fun. And he has asked to speak to me by phone. I threw caution to the wind and gave him my phone number, while I don’t even know his name yet. Maybe this was partly from wanting to get Steve out of my system. Though I may send him one more note. I always wanted to tell him he gave the best hugs. Would it even make a difference? I only met him 2 times in person. And he hugged me as we departed. I can’t remember a hug ever feeling so good. The last time I saw him, only a couple years ago, I could not get him out of my mind. I longed for him beyond reason. I think I will go back into my journal and find the entry for that day. You may be interested in reading it…

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