A Few More guys…

You may be wondering what’s been going on recently in the so-called “Quest for love.” Well, all I can tell you is things aren’t really any different than they have been for the past 20 years. Sounds depressing I know. But I can tell you this; I am better defining what it is I’m looking for. It just seems that I’m seeing a whole lot of what I’m NOT looking for! I cancelled my membership on the dating site I was in, and seem to be better off for it. I could go back one day. I get an occasional text from the mystery guy I told you about, but he obviously doesn’t fit into my notion, and new found direction of what I think of as “Christian Maturity.” I do have to deal with the fact that my mind wanders off into thinking of him quite frequently, wishing that he were different, and were looking for a real relationship and not just a fling. But I’ve decided that if he texts me one of his frivolous sexually charged texts again, I will simply not respond. I have not erased his number from my cell phone for the simple reason that I want to know when he sends me a text, not to mention the fact that my heart skips a beat just from the fact that he has spent a moment thinking of me, and has not yet forgotten about me altogether.

The day after I cancelled my account, I followed through with my intention to meet Rick at Starbucks. This would be the last vestige of my connections made from the dating site. He and I had been texting occasionally, but I did not yet feel anything at all for him. Unfortunately meeting him in person didn’t change that at all. When he walked up to me at Starbucks, the first thing he said is, “Are you nervous?” in a slightly aggressive manner. As you could guess, this immediately ruined any chance he would have of impressing me for the rest of the hour while we talked, this and the fact that he just smiled too much.  In short, there was nothing there, but I was nice to him. When he suggested going somewhere else, I referred to a movie I had stopped in the middle of on Netflix, and how much I looked forward to returning to my movie. I did find out one thing about myself though, I’m a pretty good talker. This seems to be a skill I have perfected from my 7 years as a customer service rep for a cell phone company. I haven’t been sure whether I was happy to have met Rick or not. Was this a waste of time, or was it something good for me to do, so I will be a little more comfortable the next time I decide to meet a guy for coffee?

That same afternoon I went to the gym. I don’t often meet guys there, but I may see someone interesting and wonder if they are taken. A guy may seem to be looking at me, but rarely will he say anything for some reason, which I believe has more to do with the region I live in, than whether or not the guy really has any interest in me. However, I’ve noticed that since joining the dating site, and getting more comfortable talking to, and looking at guys, I’m a little freer with feeling my interests at the gym, and more inclined to look at guys, and be open should one of them happen to talk to me.  Only one guy has talked to me so far. His name is Anthony. He is often at the gym and apparently is addicted to exercise. He often cartoonishly jumps around as if to be demonstrating some sophisticated karate moves. It is difficult not to laugh. I have seen him looking at me while I was on the elliptical trainer as if to gauge whether or not I was impressed while I simply smiled, straining to hold back laughter. Perhaps to amuse myself I engaged in conversation with him one day as he predictably asked me out to eat. I didn’t feel up to it at the time, and said we could do this later, and I offered to add him onto my Facebook, which I did. He contacted me a little too much, but soon backed off.

On the same day I met Rick, I decided if I saw Anthony, I would go ahead and take him up on his offer, after all I was really broke, and I had decided he was harmless. So I saw him as he was nearing the end of his workout that day, and told him we could go out to lunch if he’d like. This sounded good to him but he had been there all morning and I had just gotten there,  so I said I would make it a 20 minute work-out if he could hold on. As we headed out of the gym together, I learned that he does not have a car. So I agreed to drive, but it turned out he also did not have money, so I suggested Subway. By the time we were in the car headed to lunch, suggested we do this another day, and it appeared he also did not have a job. When I drove him home, it turned out he lived with his mom in an apartment. I guess I would have felt funny about accepting a lunch date from a guy in his financial situation anyway. I gave him my number and offered to carpool with him, thinking this would have the effect of getting me to the gym more. But I eventually had to ask him to not text me so much, and let him know, through text, that I was only interested in being friends. Why this would not be obvious to a guy in his situation, I don’t know.

Aside from the humor of these events, it seems that my efforts have been beyond fruitless. So today I feel resigned, but pleasantly so, for the time being. In this moment I am convinced that I need to find a good church, decide where I will be living for the next five years or so (likely not the Jersey Shore), and let God bring the guy in at the right time and place, etc. as many of the preachers I watch on TV have suggested. I guess I can resolve to be amused by the fact that all my efforts have done little to bring about that relationship which I desire to have. Perhaps there is something to be said for simply the practice of talking to and getting to know guys, and working through any issues I have which may arise from this. On that note, I have not forgotten my promise to you to begin to show you some of my old journal entries. I have simply not taken the time yet to sift through the old journals, but I will. This I have more time for now that I have stepped aside from the dating site. The next section of my blog I will dedicate to sharing these entries and/or poems with you.

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A Mysterious (but not serious) Crush

At this moment I’ve decided I’m gonna kind of put the guy thing on hold. In the meantime, I am looking through my journals for passages on a previous crush, as I promised you. But for now, I have just downloaded some awesome free religious/spiritual books onto my kindle, and utterly convinced this is a better use of my time than scanning new profiles on the dating site. Besides, I spent the day yesterday fixated on a crush I have developed for someone whom I’ve decided I don’t even want to tell you about. The reason is, I know you will only think how foolish I am. And I know it is foolish, but as they say, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” I guess I am waiting for the situation to phase itself out somehow. In the meantime, I will tell you about it. After all, this journaling, blog sort of thing is therapeutic for me.

So yesterday, “he” texted me for the first time. All he said was “hi.” This made me “high” all day considering that, although I wasn’t sure, I thought maybe it was “him.” I have been writing about him in my paper journal, and may copy an entry for you. I later sent him a text asking if it was him by name. He responded “yes.” And my high continued. Although I had been thinking of him all day, I didn’t text him back, because I didn’t want to seem over anxious.

At the same time, in order to try and get my life back in line, in a spiritual place, where I am perhaps not even considering dating a guy who is all but religious, I saw a “sign” literally on the side of the road yesterday advertising a Methodist church. I looked it up online and found that they had an 11am service, which I will plan on attending this weekend, hoping that it can be the church I feel good about going to. Also they have AA meetings, this can’t hurt either. To be honest with you, my loneliness, or aloneness rather, has caused me to drink frequently under the impression that it really doesn’t matter to anyone whether I get drunk or not.  Perhaps my new desire to read some fantastic Christian books on my Kindle, will also help me to gain wisdom, or at least a better standing with the God I purport to follow.

It has crossed my mind to possibly even quit the online dating thing all together. This is a possibility, though I’ve felt it my duty to somehow help God out in this process, by getting myself out to where a guy could be found, or could more easily find me. I am starting to think there is a different direction for me to take. But I will continue to include you in this journey. For there has never been a lack of romantic activity in my life, or at least in my mind, of some sort.  As you can probably tell by this time, a mother or father figure in the church would be a great thing and very helpful for me. But a big part of the problem I see with singles in the church is that few people recognize a 44 year old woman (or man) could be someone still needing some kind of “parenting.” This is a topic I may talk about later.

As an interesting anecdote, the guy from the drum circle Shawn, has been emailing me from the dating site, so much in fact, that I finally had to block him. The story in his words is that he was embarrassed the day he met me because he was actually on a date and didn’t know what to say. Mind you, he didn’t give me this information for at least a month afterward. So my interpretation was that he just broke up with her and now was on the prowl again. But I wasn’t buying any of this. I didn’t respond to any of his notes. He apologized, begged me to go out with him, invited me to another drum circle, etc. After about 10 of these messages, I finally just blocked him. Sometimes I can be fooled rather easily, but not this time. I now have a total of 41 guys on my blocked list.