A Mysterious (but not serious) Crush

At this moment I’ve decided I’m gonna kind of put the guy thing on hold. In the meantime, I am looking through my journals for passages on a previous crush, as I promised you. But for now, I have just downloaded some awesome free religious/spiritual books onto my kindle, and utterly convinced this is a better use of my time than scanning new profiles on the dating site. Besides, I spent the day yesterday fixated on a crush I have developed for someone whom I’ve decided I don’t even want to tell you about. The reason is, I know you will only think how foolish I am. And I know it is foolish, but as they say, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” I guess I am waiting for the situation to phase itself out somehow. In the meantime, I will tell you about it. After all, this journaling, blog sort of thing is therapeutic for me.

So yesterday, “he” texted me for the first time. All he said was “hi.” This made me “high” all day considering that, although I wasn’t sure, I thought maybe it was “him.” I have been writing about him in my paper journal, and may copy an entry for you. I later sent him a text asking if it was him by name. He responded “yes.” And my high continued. Although I had been thinking of him all day, I didn’t text him back, because I didn’t want to seem over anxious.

At the same time, in order to try and get my life back in line, in a spiritual place, where I am perhaps not even considering dating a guy who is all but religious, I saw a “sign” literally on the side of the road yesterday advertising a Methodist church. I looked it up online and found that they had an 11am service, which I will plan on attending this weekend, hoping that it can be the church I feel good about going to. Also they have AA meetings, this can’t hurt either. To be honest with you, my loneliness, or aloneness rather, has caused me to drink frequently under the impression that it really doesn’t matter to anyone whether I get drunk or not.  Perhaps my new desire to read some fantastic Christian books on my Kindle, will also help me to gain wisdom, or at least a better standing with the God I purport to follow.

It has crossed my mind to possibly even quit the online dating thing all together. This is a possibility, though I’ve felt it my duty to somehow help God out in this process, by getting myself out to where a guy could be found, or could more easily find me. I am starting to think there is a different direction for me to take. But I will continue to include you in this journey. For there has never been a lack of romantic activity in my life, or at least in my mind, of some sort.  As you can probably tell by this time, a mother or father figure in the church would be a great thing and very helpful for me. But a big part of the problem I see with singles in the church is that few people recognize a 44 year old woman (or man) could be someone still needing some kind of “parenting.” This is a topic I may talk about later.

As an interesting anecdote, the guy from the drum circle Shawn, has been emailing me from the dating site, so much in fact, that I finally had to block him. The story in his words is that he was embarrassed the day he met me because he was actually on a date and didn’t know what to say. Mind you, he didn’t give me this information for at least a month afterward. So my interpretation was that he just broke up with her and now was on the prowl again. But I wasn’t buying any of this. I didn’t respond to any of his notes. He apologized, begged me to go out with him, invited me to another drum circle, etc. After about 10 of these messages, I finally just blocked him. Sometimes I can be fooled rather easily, but not this time. I now have a total of 41 guys on my blocked list.

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